“If a man got killed by a shark every week, we'd probably arrange for the ocean to be drained.” -
Annabel Crabb
Domestic Violence Affects Us All
64 women have been killed this year in violent incidents, most by men known to them. (as at Nov 2024)
64 women are dead because of the violent behaviour and choices of others.
And there will be more. But we won't know who the next victim will be, until it's too late.
Before we proceed, there are some attitudes that I've often heard expressed, that I want to address, as I think it's really important to acknowledge what gets said in the community as a way to downplay or excuse a perpetrators behaviour:
They're as bad as each other' - This is known as 'situational violence' where it's true, sometimes both partners do get into a violent altercation with each other.
It could be argued that the 'power balance' here is somewhat equal. But who do you think is most likely to cause lethal harm if things go 'too far'? Even if they are 'as bad as each other' - violence is still not ok.
'She pushed him and pushed him so much, he just snapped' - No. He made a *choice* to react in a violent way. What happens at work if he's 'pushed and pushed' - is he perpetrating violence against his boss and workmates? Or his extended family and friends if they push his buttons? Is he attacking people on the street who he finds objectionable? If not, doesn't that indicate that he actually CAN control himself, he's just CHOOSING not to when with her?
'If it's that bad, why doesn't she just leave?' - I've addressed that separately, further down this page.
'She cheated on him, so its only fair that he wants to monitor her every move' - Generally speaking, transparency is a part of every healthy relationship on BOTH parts (eg if there's an 'open phone' policy in a relationship - it applies to both partners, not just one), and is a crucial part of the repair process after an affair. But there's a huge difference between a mutual agreement that applies to both partners that is centred around respect for autonomy and freedom and him refusing to be open to even beginning to trust her, putting secret trackers on her, covertly following her to 'catch her out', having all her messages be filtered through to his device, questioning her on every cent she spends, forbidding her from seeing friends and family - etc etc ETC - This is truly toxic behaviour - and
IS NOT OK!
'He's a man, he needs to feel like a man. He needs to be the 'head of the home', that's just how it is, women should just accept
that men don't like being emasculated' - Having xy chromosomes doesn't automatically entitle you to any kind of special treatment or authority. A partnership is supposed to be equal. A woman is entitled to have a say in her own home and over her own life. She has just as much right as a man to have her own preferences, and freedoms.
'Women can be perpetrators too' - Yes, women can also be perpetrators of domestic violence, either in opposite-sex, or same-sex relationships. And no one that I'm aware of, is saying this is ok, or that it doesn't happen. What most are asking is - how many women are killing men, or other women compared with how many men are killing women or other men? Absolutely we, as a society, need to be addressing all forms of violence AND right now there are a LOT of women, children and other men who are dying primarily at the hands of men - so there's a big problem here that has a glaring common denominator. We just can't ignore that any longer.
The Conversation - Click Tiles to read
What is DFV?
Physical Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Including direct assaults on the body, use of weapons, driving dangerously, destruction of property, abuse of pets in front of family members, assault of children and forced sleep deprivation.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Blaming the victim for all problems in the relationship, constantly comparing the victim with others to undermine self-esteem and self-worth, withdrawing all interest and engagement (e.g. weeks of silence).
Sexual Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Any form of sexual activity without consent, causing pain during sex, assaulting the genitals, coercive sex without protection against pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease, criticising, or using sexually degrading insults.
Isolation
Spiritual Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Systematic isolation from family and friends through techniques such as ongoing rudeness to family and friends, moving to locations where the victim knows nobody, and forbidding or physically preventing the victim from going out and meeting people.
Verbal Abuse
Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual Abuse
Continual ‘put downs’ and humiliation, either privately or publicly, with attacks following clear themes that focus on intelligence, sexuality, body image and capacity as a family member, parent or spouse.
Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual Abuse
Denying access to ceremonies, land or family, preventing religious observance, forcing victims to do things against their beliefs, denigration of cultural background, or using religious teachings or cultural tradition as a reason for violence.
Economic Abuse
Coercive Control
Coercive Control
Complete control of all monies, no access to bank accounts, providing only an inadequate ‘allowance’.
Coercive Control
Coercive Control
Coercive Control
Manipulation and surveillance, gradual isolation from friends and family, rigid rules, degrading put-downs, humiliation and threats — the insidious "system" of behaviours perpetrators use to dominate and entrap their victims known as coercive control.
Sometimes referred to as "intimate terrorism", coercive control chips away at victims' sense of safety and independence; some report feeling as if they're being held hostage, constantly "walking on eggshells" or being "smothered alive".
Visit this page to read 12 signs of coercive control.
Sources
Coercive Control
Sources
Where it begins...
There is almost always a pattern or cycle
Why doesn't she just leave?
Unfortunately there are still those who place the blame squarely on the woman. 'Why doesn't she just leave?!' they ask, from the comfort of their secure income, housing stability, and non-abusive relationship. It's complex.
Imagine if someone was telling you that if you left they would:
Tell your loved ones all of your secrets
Publish private photos and videos of you
Turn your children against you
Take your children from you
Kill you, your children and themselves
Turn your family and friends against you
Ruin your career
Destroy your reputation
Leave you with nothing - no home, no money
Kill your pets
When someone has beaten you down, destroyed your self-worth, stolen your dignity, and left you feeling like a nothing and a no-one... do you really think it would be that easy to 'just leave'?
Add to this that we now know that the most dangerous time for a woman, is when she leaves!
Instead of putting the responsibility on the woman, why isn't anyone asking, 'how come he keeps abusing her?'
Is Your Relationship a Safe One?
It might be confusing trying to work out whether or not what you are experiencing is abuse, or normal relationship conflict.
ALL relationships have their ups and downs. We all get a bit snappish, can be a bit rigid and/or selfish at times, or display other unhelpful behaviours.
If overall your relationship is:
kind,
loving
and respectful
AND your partner is able to listen to you, self-reflect, own their mistakes, apologise and you feel like you have equal say in how your life together flows and you aren't ever fearful of your partner and what they are capable of, then perhaps all that's happening is normal relationship stuff.
Here are 10 'green flags' for a relationship, that indicate your relationship is overall healthy.
However if you suspect there might be something else going on, then these pages can help you work out if you could benefit from seeking some additional support, however please be mindful to access these links from a 'safe', un-monitored device if you are concerned your online activity is being watched- perhaps use a friends phone or your local public library computers.
Qualities of a healthy relationship
Getting help
Local Community Supports for Families and Women
Port Stephens Family and Neighbourhood Services
Domestic Violence/Housing Support:
Jenny’s Place and housing specific assistance
Hunter Domestic Violence Support & Advisory Service
Link2Home – 1800 152 152
Survivors R us – (02) 4953 7108, 0477 702 151
NWDVCAS– Newcastle Womens Domestic Violence Court Advocacy Services – 4940 8766
Our Backyard - for those sleeping in their vehicles
Staying Home Leaving Violence - Maitland
Staying Home Leaving Violence - Lake Macquarie
Staying Home Leaving Violence - Port Stephens
1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732
LGBTIQ+ Support
Therapy/Counselling Support
You can access free or subsidised face to face or telehealth therapy through the following options:
Your GP can provide you with a mental health care plan (MHCP), which will give you access to 10 subsidised psychologist or mental health social worker appointments.
NSW Victim Services- fee-free
Hunter Women's Centre- fee-free
Lifeline - fee-free
Uniting - low-fee
Anglicare - sliding scale
Telephone Crisis Support
Lifeline – 13 11 14
Beyond Blue 1300 224 636
13YARN 13 92 76 - Speak with an Indigenous Crisis Supporter
Suicide Call back Service 1300 659 467
National Debt Help Line - free financial counselling - 1800 007 007
Other Assistance
- VOCAL - assistance for people harmed by crime in NSW
- Bravehearts – Sexual Assault Support for Children on 1800 272 831
- Kids Helpline is for young people aged 5 to 25 – 1800 551 800
- NSW Police Fact sheets and information
- Newcastle Legal Aid - (02) 4929 5482
- Hunter Community Legal Centre - free legal advice, see website for day/times to call.
- Newcastle Sexual Assault Service - (02) 4924 6333 or after hours: 02 4924 6333 02 4921 3888
- Maitland Sexual Assault Service - (02) 4931 2000 or after hours (02) 4921 3888
- NSW Ageing and Disability Abuse Helpline - 1800 628 221
- Child Protection Helpline - if you are concerned about a child who is being harmed by being witness to, or a victim of domestic violence or any other abuse - 13 21 11
- Department of Communities and Justice (DCJ) links and resources
Services for Men
- Men who are aware that their behaviour is causing distress for others in the home: Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491 or the Don’t Become That Man helpline on 1300 243 413
- Taking Responsibility - Mens Behaviour Change Program
- Mensline Australia - 1300 78 99 78
- Matthew Talbot Homeless Service (for men and men with children) – (02) 49 611 411
This is not an exhaustive list of the services available. Each service will have additional information around what else is potentially available for you to access.
Unfortunately, the reality is that services are underfunded and under-resourced, and there is just not enough to go around - you may end up being told to call this person or call that person if a service is already at capacity.
While I understand that it's disheartening and frustrating to finally seek help, and not receive it in the way you were hoping, I encourage you not to give up.
Call all the numbers, talk to all the people. The more you understand about your options, the better placed you will be to more effectively help and support yourself and your children, or those you are seeking to support.
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ABN 21 631 344 014